Prison chic?

The Criminal has launched her new television series this week, and all I can say is that she's gone from model to stockbroker to caterer to writing "picture books about gracious living" (with apologies to Jeffrey) to America's favorite obstructor of justice to being the doyenne of prison chic.

Thanks to all of the cross-ownership of channels by the corporate multimedia conglomerates, we have plenty of opportunities to see the eponymous new show, Martha, all hours of the day. I have to admit, it's kind of like watching a major car wreck—so horrible that we can't keep our eyes off of it.

Monday's premiere began with a rather self-serving, quarter-hour long tribute to the victims of Hurricane Katrina, starring The Criminal herself in pre-hurricane archival footage in New Orleans and Mississippi. We got to see all of the cast and crew on the set thumbing their noses at the federal justice system and all wearing ankle bracelet monitors so The Criminal could "keep track of them." Her celebrity guest for the day was Marcia Cross from ABC's hit show Desperate Housewives, and they did such exciting things as fold t-shirts and make scrambled eggs. The egg segment was particularly shocking. It started with Miss Cross putting her butter in the eggs instead of the skillet, pretending total domestic ignorance. Then, The Criminal opted to have them serve the eggs in egg cups holding hollowed-out egg shells—and in the process of filling the egg shells, The Criminal let it slip that she'd never done that before!

Yesterday's show was no better. Remember the fellow-inmate-crocheted poncho The Criminal was wearing when she was released from her brief incarceration that she later made such a big deal about in her press interviews? Well, she was wearing it again. And not only was The Criminal in a poncho, her entire studio audience was wearing ponchos they had knitted or crocheted themselves (including the limited handful of male guests), and she announced a new product for sale—a crocheted poncho in either blue or red yarn, just like The Criminal's! The celebrity guest for the day was David Spade, who showed up on the set dressed in "Criminal" drag, and they showed clips from the Saturday Night Live episode he hosted where he did his Criminal sketch. And what did they do? They folded t-shirts. Then, they made nachos and cheese sandwiches microwaved in a paper bag, a skill The Criminal learned in prison. Interestingly enough, they ended the Spade segment and broke for commercials before we got to see the end product from the microwave. The rest of the show featured another celebrity "guest," Elmo of Sesame Street and Tickle Me, Elmo fame. What did they do? The Criminal and the poncho-clad Elmo decorated lunch sacks and discussed the components of a healthy sack lunch.

I can't wait to see the show tonight. Jay Leno will be the celebrity guest and they are going to make chicken wings!

Well, K-Mart may be happy with these developments, but I already think it's time for them to have a big blue light special and clear these new Martha episodes out from our living rooms. Meanwhile, I think I need to chastise my friends at the Department of Justice for pushing the vendetta prosecution of The Criminal in the first place. If they hadn't insisted on incarcerating her, we wouldn't be forced to deal with her probation period faux-contrite tripe.